"Are you sure you are not having twins?" And other things to never say to a pregnant woman.

So this has been on my mind for a while and when a friend and I were discussing it at lunch I decided it would make an excellent blog topic. I am sure I am not the only pregnant person to have an issue with this. It seems as if the second people find out you are expecting then the unsolicited opinions and advice start rolling in. I mean I am thankful for the people in my life that give real advice. I am however sick of hearing how wrong I am in my thinking about some things (cough... Cloth diapering. . .). Now I know I am a novice at this parenting thing, but I am not an unintelligent person and there are just some things that you should let me figure out for myself. If I eat my words later on, then I give you permission to gloat. Anyway enough of my ranting lets just get to the list of things you should never say to a pregnant woman.

1. You must be due any day now (this may be the case but she doesn't need to hear that she looks large or ready to pop and if it's not the case then you are sure to make her angry)

2. Are you sure it's not twins? ( I mean really people how many times must I say that I am only having a SINGLE baby) 

3. Well when I was pregnant I . . . (Insert here worked out everyday, ate only organic, ate anything but what you are currently eating) This is not helpful ladies. I mean how would you like it if you are steadily expanding and someone judges your every meal. I think I may start doing this to every person who does this to me pregnant or not.  

4. Can I touch your belly? We'll thanks for asking but if I don't know you then the answer is no. I find this to be the strangest thing. Why do you want to rub my belly? I mean the baby cannot feel it and chances are you may get kicked. Also it's just weird people especially if you are not close friends or family. I mean really. 

5. Make sure you do. . .( insert some thing that I will probably forget immediately after our conversation) Unless I asked you what to do about a certain situation then I don't want/need the advice. I know you mean well but you may be being offensive without realizing it. 

6. Oh you want to do a natural labor/birthing experience? Let me tell you how horrible it will be. I know people really believe this is going to change my mind but at this point I am stubborn enough I wouldn't asks for drugs for anything.  (So I will be the lady in May screaming obscenities in the delivery room. Nice to meet you if you are delivering in Charleston in May.)

7. When are you due complete with belly rub to a non pregnant person. Yeah this one should get you smacked people. I have a dear friend that works with me who people think we are twins (we don't see it) and since I have been open about this pregnancy she has this happen to her on about a weekly basis. This is just WRONG. 

I hope this list doesn't offend anyone, but I do hope you will think twice the next time you decide to offer advice or just speak to a pregnant woman. We have enough crazy hormonal issues going on that you may not walk away unscathed.